FAILING AT LIFE: The Kate Upton Edition

OK, its time. I've fought long enough against any scathing rants on loathsome celebrities in hopes of remaining more high brow and positive, but friends we know such a fantasy cannot last forever. Its time to unleash the harsh truth and todays unsuspecting victim is the shitteous Kate Upton. Apparently, no one has been to L.A. before because all of a sudden run of the mill blondes with no talent have a chance at superstardom. This girl, who mind you always manages to look like she just got f-ed and I mean that in the "you look absolutely horrendous" kind of way, is 2012's Spring "it" girl. With covers on magazines showcasing her slumpy boobs, commercials on every channel (no one wants to see you smear mayonnaise all over your face katie), and now the fashion red carpet?! The appeal is just baffling. Don't get me wrong, thanks to her body we're able to ignore her uncanny resemblance to Miss Piggy and classify her as a solid 7.5 BUT this is supposed to be a model, as in, its your job to be uniquely beautiful all the time and especially in clothes. Come on look at that picture, she doesn't even realize that her high-waisted spanx just butchered any chance she had at pulling off runway ready Vuitton.
Anna Wintour hates you for a reason Upton.

Picture Perfect

If you are a fan of all things retro like myself, you no doubt have a highly curated obsession with pin-up girls. Alberto Vargas and Gil Elvgren mastered the art of the sensuality with coy portraitures that highlighted a woman's sexiest features for the boys overseas. But while we all know there were exceptions like totally fabulous Bettie Page, most of these ladies were actually painted euphemisms of their human self. Check out the real deal below and hey, no need to feel so bad about that unattainable waistline anymore right? 

Designer Spotlight: MOLAMI

Fashion trendsetters observe, Molami has finally figured out how to achieve the ultimate in headphone couture status with these bad boys. Fresh out of Europe, Maria Von Euler designed the better version (way better) of what Monster tried to do with their Inspiration headphones, with a silky "over-the-ear" headband that a contemporary tres chic woman might actually wear. The gold accents are the perfect touch and if you're not into all that coverage, Molami also has some pretty sick leather ear buds as an alternative. Well done Maria, L.A approves.

Take Note America

I assure you I'm usually not this political... but I think theres cause for (huge!) celebration at Obama's recent public approval of gay marriage. Don't get me wrong, I was definitely nervous there for a second, especially so close to an election. I am obviously a supporter of equal rights, gay or straight, but lets not forget that a big chunk of ignorant america is not. Thats some ballsy moves Mr. President and I like it. He basically told like 26 states to f-off and check themselves. Kind of a scary thought when Mitt Romney's evil ass is our other option should he lose the election. That is until George Clooney hosted a little fundraising bash last night and raised a record 15 million dollars for the current commander in chief, yah thats right, a sweet intimate gathering resulting in a humble 15 milli. Now thats what I call a getting it done. While I'm not really sure what they could even spend all that money on campaign-wise, hopefully it will get the gays to the alter and him the reelection.

Sending You A Nightcall

“There’s a hundred-thousand streets in this city. You don’t need to know the route. You give me a time and a place, I give you a five minute window. Anything happens in that five minutes and I’m yours. No matter what. Anything happens a minute either side of that and you’re on your own. Do you understand?”

If you don't understand, that means you still haven't seen Drive, which despite what your dumber friends have told you, is actually one of the best movies of the last few years. Its subtle, its mysterious, and its Ryan Gosling in all his gold glory kicking the bloody shit out of Mafioso gangsters  to some seriously badass 80's music. Yeah, its pretty sweet. He triumphs as a strangely skilled mechanic/stuntman/getaway driver while your heart fiercely pumps faster and faster to the pulsating beat of synthesized vocals and heavy electro drum and bass. Honestly, this movie makes Fast and the Furious look like Herbie The Love Bug. This is a moment-in-time kind of film, no exaggerated plot, no excess dialogue, just a collection of freaking brilliant nuances and amazing cinematography. I urge you to get familiar.

Welcome to the Southland

Its on Fridays like these that the sweet breeze of the approaching 80 degree weekend brings my love for Los Angeles to its peak. I've been whining about wanting to live in New York for a decade but when all is said and done, even the most die-hard New Yorker will tell you the weather in L.A. just can't be out-shined. In honor of my beloved hometown, check out some pretty cool (or at least weird) L.A. only facts:

• We have on average 325 days of sunshine a year (eat that miami)
• If we were a state, we would be the fourth largest in the nation
• It is illegal to charge admission for a house party (seriously!)
• There are more artists writers, filmmakers, actors, dancers, and musicians living and working in L.A. than any other city at any other time in the history of civilization
• The Capitol Records building was made to look like a stack of 45 rpm records (it was also the first circular building in the world)
• It is illegal to cry on the witness stand (so man up)
• Angelenos eat an average of 250 tacos a year
• The city flower is the bird of paradise
• 1932 Olympics were hosted in Los Angeles, hence the street name Olympic Blvd. which pays tribute
• Pasadena has a large non-indigenous population of naturalized parrots
• L.A. Harbor Lighthouse is the only one in the world that uses an emerald green beacon
• La Brea Tar Pits is the only excavation site in the world where there were more predatory animals found than prey (cuz were bad asses obviously)
• On average, 15 people try to drive away from the cops on any given day
• There are 65 people in L.A. that have the legal registered name of "Jesus Christ"

So we're a little self righteous, its to be expected in LaLa Land... theres still no way I'm ditching 325 days of tank tops.

Elemental Style

I suppose I can't really say I know what it was like to grow up in the 80's, despite my 1986 name day, but as a firm fashion enthusiast I was excited that with spring came the return of neon. Some say tacky, I said brilliant, and now I can safely say we are officially in abundance. Its amazing to see people's insatiable fashion gluttony and the industry's natural desire to exploit good ideas until we hate them, but as of yet, that has not happened. I'm enjoying the throwback and I sort of love the implied youth and dare I say it, balls it takes to wear something like electric yellow with khaki crop pants and a clutch (werk!)

There are things or moments in life I like to call "signs of sunshine" that are just that, small societal indications that summer is coming. A warm night breeze makes its yearly debut, theres the reappearance of mini dresses and side boob, and now the rise of neon. Bright and fun don't take life too seriously and those are some refreshing adjectives for fashion these days (I blame Gaga). So in light of this potentially short-lived trend, I'd like to encourage you all to embrace your inner Cyndi Lauper and participate in a little fluorescent therapy.

An Ode To Summer

As I sit behind the loud blare of my computer screen at way too early 0'clock in the morning, I wonder how I allowed myself to be overtaken by the evil monster grip that is society. Yah so they told us to enjoy being a kid while it lasts, but what they failed to mention is the part where you get a job and voluntarily commit the rest of your sad life to sitting inside and living for the only two days of the week left to do anything remotely selfish. But thats a rant saved for another day, today is the first official posting and that my friends, is reserved for a more positive itinerary. Today is an Ode to Summer.

What once was a 3-month long holiday is now just another collection of days, but I remember when it used to be everything. There was something about the summer that vibrated through school in the form of more than just tank tops and miniskirts. You had attitude in the summer, there was a smell, a distinct feeling of thank freaking God I'm about to get the f- out of here and theres nothing anyone can do about it. There's not much else that compares to the feeling of an approaching high school summer so losing that is something I've decided I am not going to allow, despite the fact that its been almost ten years since I've had one. I can't even believe that I can say the phrase "ten years ago" and still be referring to something I remember but thats where we are people, thats where we are.

It seems a little backwards that as life gets harder, we get less society-mandated breaks than when we were children, but I guess theres no such thing as grown-up nap time. Well, as a newer member of the adult club, I'd like to make a permanent amendment and suggest that the month of May be entirely reserved for debauchery and relaxation. A chance for the man in all of us to kick off our boots, smoke the well-deserved cigarette of life and chill out like teenagers.

If you need me, I'll be lobbying outside the local Starbucks.