FAILING AT LIFE: The Kate Upton Edition

OK, its time. I've fought long enough against any scathing rants on loathsome celebrities in hopes of remaining more high brow and positive, but friends we know such a fantasy cannot last forever. Its time to unleash the harsh truth and todays unsuspecting victim is the shitteous Kate Upton. Apparently, no one has been to L.A. before because all of a sudden run of the mill blondes with no talent have a chance at superstardom. This girl, who mind you always manages to look like she just got f-ed and I mean that in the "you look absolutely horrendous" kind of way, is 2012's Spring "it" girl. With covers on magazines showcasing her slumpy boobs, commercials on every channel (no one wants to see you smear mayonnaise all over your face katie), and now the fashion red carpet?! The appeal is just baffling. Don't get me wrong, thanks to her body we're able to ignore her uncanny resemblance to Miss Piggy and classify her as a solid 7.5 BUT this is supposed to be a model, as in, its your job to be uniquely beautiful all the time and especially in clothes. Come on look at that picture, she doesn't even realize that her high-waisted spanx just butchered any chance she had at pulling off runway ready Vuitton.
Anna Wintour hates you for a reason Upton.

Picture Perfect

If you are a fan of all things retro like myself, you no doubt have a highly curated obsession with pin-up girls. Alberto Vargas and Gil Elvgren mastered the art of the sensuality with coy portraitures that highlighted a woman's sexiest features for the boys overseas. But while we all know there were exceptions like totally fabulous Bettie Page, most of these ladies were actually painted euphemisms of their human self. Check out the real deal below and hey, no need to feel so bad about that unattainable waistline anymore right? 

Designer Spotlight: MOLAMI

Fashion trendsetters observe, Molami has finally figured out how to achieve the ultimate in headphone couture status with these bad boys. Fresh out of Europe, Maria Von Euler designed the better version (way better) of what Monster tried to do with their Inspiration headphones, with a silky "over-the-ear" headband that a contemporary tres chic woman might actually wear. The gold accents are the perfect touch and if you're not into all that coverage, Molami also has some pretty sick leather ear buds as an alternative. Well done Maria, L.A approves.

Take Note America

I assure you I'm usually not this political... but I think theres cause for (huge!) celebration at Obama's recent public approval of gay marriage. Don't get me wrong, I was definitely nervous there for a second, especially so close to an election. I am obviously a supporter of equal rights, gay or straight, but lets not forget that a big chunk of ignorant america is not. Thats some ballsy moves Mr. President and I like it. He basically told like 26 states to f-off and check themselves. Kind of a scary thought when Mitt Romney's evil ass is our other option should he lose the election. That is until George Clooney hosted a little fundraising bash last night and raised a record 15 million dollars for the current commander in chief, yah thats right, a sweet intimate gathering resulting in a humble 15 milli. Now thats what I call a getting it done. While I'm not really sure what they could even spend all that money on campaign-wise, hopefully it will get the gays to the alter and him the reelection.

Sending You A Nightcall

“There’s a hundred-thousand streets in this city. You don’t need to know the route. You give me a time and a place, I give you a five minute window. Anything happens in that five minutes and I’m yours. No matter what. Anything happens a minute either side of that and you’re on your own. Do you understand?”

If you don't understand, that means you still haven't seen Drive, which despite what your dumber friends have told you, is actually one of the best movies of the last few years. Its subtle, its mysterious, and its Ryan Gosling in all his gold glory kicking the bloody shit out of Mafioso gangsters  to some seriously badass 80's music. Yeah, its pretty sweet. He triumphs as a strangely skilled mechanic/stuntman/getaway driver while your heart fiercely pumps faster and faster to the pulsating beat of synthesized vocals and heavy electro drum and bass. Honestly, this movie makes Fast and the Furious look like Herbie The Love Bug. This is a moment-in-time kind of film, no exaggerated plot, no excess dialogue, just a collection of freaking brilliant nuances and amazing cinematography. I urge you to get familiar.